Sex is a cornerstone of all romantic relationships. Yet, at times, we can often feel that we aren’t up to par when it comes to our sexual abilities. Especially in moments of low self-esteem, it can be difficult to avoid the fear that we are, quite pathetically, ‘bad in bed’.
This insecurity can lead to the occasional ‘relationship hiccup’ and cause more problems than it should. One feels insecure and the other feels frustrated by their partner’s insecurity - possibly blaming it on their ability to get over past or current love rivals.
Most often, we have this anxiety about being bad in bed for 3 reasons:
We don’t feel our bodies are attractive enough.
We don’t know the ‘right’ positions.
Or we just don’t last long enough.
Given, you may also just be in competition with someone who they feel is (or was) ‘great in bed.’ A sure-fire way to have self-esteem issues when trying to please our partner, no doubt.
‘God is great. Alexander of Macedonia was great. Are you sure you mean great?’
Then they go on to violently defend their former lover and their great sexual prowess. Well, at least they are honest.
Okay, it isn’t the most common problem that your current partner still thinks of a former lover as great even after being with you, or that they will be so honest about it when giving them a chance to blur the truth a bit for our self-esteem. But that doesn’t mean we are necessarily bad in bed. [Just hope that whatever pulled them apart, keeps them apart until you can apply what you learn in this article and remove that ‘great’ title from his or her name.]
Even though we may not be the great lover in our partner’s life, or the most physically attractive… or even the second most physically attractive for that matter, we shouldn’t hang on to our fears of being less than good based on strength or flexibility in the bedroom.
Despite what we may think, good sex doesn’t depend on athletic ability or natural beauty. It is based on something we all have: our minds.
Evidence that sexual excitement is more than just physical appeal can be easily seen today in the multitude of long-distance relationships. Couples today maintain a level of incredible lust and titillation simply by phone - a country or continent apart.
It may be hard to see past the obstacles we place on ourselves to be a good lover to our partner, but we must start to accept that it is a skill of the mind.
Eroticism is about belief, intention, and meaning. It’s about something understood.
Good sex is a ‘release’ from what controls us in our non-sexual life. It is about revealing and giving a part of ourselves we keep hidden. It is sharing this part of ourselves that makes sex good and possibly great.
We can demonstrate that:
We like to be controlled or dominated.
Or that we like to be the one in command.
We may want to role play as ‘slutty schoolgirl, ‘attractive stranger’, or ‘oppressive boss’.
We may admit to wanting to be seen, with a third person or a camera.
Though, we will often find that good sex may not have anything to do with the actual act of sex at all.
It could about how they walk or tie their shoes.
The way their wrist tightens as they chop vegetables.
It could be about all the things that happened before the clothes came off.
Or it could be about the excitement of taking the clothes off so quickly.
‘Everything in the world is about sex except sex.’
- Oscar Wilde
What makes us feel sexy, that excitement that comes and leads to good sex is that release from our normally restrictive lives. Being with someone that makes us feel safe and brings us to a place where we feel cared for is what brings sex beyond just physical pleasure. It is letting go of our responsibility to hide our crazy and mean sides and giving all of ourselves to someone that accepts and holds all of it, all of us.
At the heart of eroticism is being with someone that gives us permission to be our true selves. It isn’t about the right rhythm or endurance. A machine could do better than anybody in that category.
It is about having someone that not only supports who we are but invites and validates who we are, while at the same time, being just as open and honest about themselves with us. It is about sharing private thoughts and dreams.
Good sex is more about the nakedness of the mind than of the body.
And as far as that ‘Alexander’ in your partner’s life, well, now you will just have to prove to be his or her Khan and show them what great truly means.