The only love letter you'll ever need.
Committed relationships are becoming rarer and rarer these days. What was normal 50 years ago is now beyond uncool, it is considered unreasonable. We have held the romantic ideas of finding someone that will just ‘get us,’ but thrown away the idea of committing to each other through the struggles.
In a world where we can throw away anything and easily find something new within a few clicks, it is no surprise we have turned our hope for love towards the online and mobile app world. Sex-driven dating apps such as Tinder have given us the idea that an argument with one lover is no longer a problem because we are just a few swipes away from a new chance, a new hope, and a new love.
Which makes the challenges of staying together much more difficult today than it was 50 years ago, and even more difficult than it was 20 years ago.
One of the best ways to judge the success of a relationship today isn’t whether or not there are disagreements, fits of rage, moments of alienation, or even matters of unfaithfulness. It is as simple as whether or not two people simply want to be together.
If two people really know this about themselves and of the other, they can pretty much overcome any challenge. The current state of the relationship, however badly divided, is never enough to doom it now matter what may be said or done.
‘I hate you.’
‘I can’t do this anymore.’
‘I want a divorce.’
Or even worse things than these mean nothing as long as the true intention, the bedrock of the lover’s heart is shared with their partner… and themselves… before it is too late. And there is nothing worse than too late.
‘there are worse things
than being alone
but it often takes
decades to realize this
and most often when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than too late’
― Charles Bukowski
Unfortunately, sharing your true feelings and intentions with someone too late is often the cause of the end for most lovers.
Perhaps it is too naive to promise to never hurt your partner again, but it is never insincere to declare your hope, motive, and purpose with him or her.
The Lover’s Vow
The following are a few words, a declaration, or a vow that one can make to their lover. No scary rings or legal institutions necessary. No innocuous promises of action. It is a vow - that if you can agree to with your partner despite however many fights you may have or however difficult it seems to connect at times or however many nasty things are said in rage - that will at least allow half the battle to already be won.
I still cherish you and want you to be a part of my life.
We are so imperfect and therefore responsible for so much pain that we have put each other through.
We have to see that we carry so many faults into this idea that is us. We have so many deep, underlying issues - many that go back into childhood - that are difficult to acknowledge, evolve, and take responsibility for. We will do our best to work through these problems, but even when it seems we fail to accomplish one concrete step in that direction, we should at least find solace knowing that - like every other human being on Earth - we are a little messed up… And we are deeply sorry for that. We have grown that way. We are organisms and we have our scars. We have our browned leaves and fallen petals. We know we’ve brought trouble and sorrow into each other’s lives. And for that, sorry, once again.
We each want things to go better between us. We envision a better us. We want this because we deeply care about each other. Despite all the trauma and drama, despite everything, we love, admire, and adore one another.
If we do want things to go better between us, we will have to bring a new level of humility and humbleness to the table. Some of our very deep-seated ideas will need to be let go. And one of the most difficult things for us to give up is the thrill and satisfaction of being right.
This project we are undertaking, this work we are agreeing to here will not come fast. It will even be very agonizing and unpleasant at times. Yet, we are committed to being curious about one another. We are devoted to listen to and accept the errors we make and have made. We are pledged to hear the uncomfortable truths. We will try not to get angry as we do this, and when we nevertheless do, we will at least try to figure out why and go easy on one another.
We will never be perfect.
We want our love to work. The very fact that this whole thing hasn’t been simple is proof that we are trying to do something that isn’t easy or simple. We do truly love each other… at least… most of the time. We want this to work.
You are insane,
And I forgive you,
I am out of my mind,
And you forgive me,
I still love you,
And want to be with you.
Now you can print this out and sign it or paint it on your wall. Or if that is too weird or yucky, just simply bookmark it here or copy and paste this into a place you won’t lose it. And when you are feeling hurt or lost in your current relationship, read this over with your partner, either together or individually, and remember the small, but significant promise you made the day you created this ‘Lover’s Vow’ to one another.
As for Marriage
I won’t go into the pros and cons of marriage here as I plan to dedicate a deeper look into that in a separate article. However, on the subject of making a vow to someone, I will add a few more words with the idea of marriage here.
There is nothing wrong or unnatural about a man and woman choosing to live as permanent partners, with or without the idea of procreation involved. It is a wonderful agreement between two people to the point that is not something forced in a way that it must work for the sake of working - as may have been the case in earlier times. Nor should it imply the idea of property, one person owning the other… in any form.
As far as vows, it may not seem as romantic at first, but in the idea of realism and practicality, it is extremely insightful and loving:
Realize that as you look at the person you want to be with, they will only grow older with time. You may, in fact, be looking at them at their best. All things crumble with time, so do not marry someone hoping to improve them. You may grow together but even said growth can’t be forced.
Be emotionally honest with each other. Do not pretend to love because love is not one to be conjured or controlled. With that spirit, do not demand that your lover give you the love you desire as a duty. That will obviously only make them give you a love that gives no truth or pleasure to either involved.
Lastly, do not hold onto each other so tightly that you will suffocate each other. You are not the pet or property of each other. You must allow each other to feel free to be who they are and allow them to choose to be with you in their freedom.
If you can give and respect these ideas with each other, you will have an arrangement that is stronger and surer than any formal or legal contract can give.
Good luck and lots of love.